Ten second summary:
A marital affair comes to the attention of church leaders.
Church leaders start gossipping about it.
Mr. Flagrante Delicto and Ms. Scarlet Woman are pissed off and suing.
Making the situation public is not nice (though apparently expected in this church). Hinting at making the affair a public topic in a sermon is nasty. Threatening to tell Scarlet Woman's employer is a low-down, dirty trick.
But where o where is the church doing something illegal?
I usually side with Americans United for Separation of Church and State, but I think they're out to lunch on this one. They're saying that since Mr. Flagrante has left the church, "the church's interest is over." Sure, it's none of the church's fucking business, but it's not illegal to be a gossippy busybody.
My verdict: Spankings for everyone! And no dessert, either.
Gummi Bears have put their little fructose-filled heads together to foil fingerprint security systems. Due to their known terrorist sympathies, Gummi bears (particularly foreign-born ones) will be rounded up and sent to Gitmo, where their bodies will be stretched and their extremities will be cruelly nibbled off unless they tell the interrogators what they want to hear.
Sophomoric prank elevated to awesomeness by Gladys Knight, a Hispanic midget, and a silver bowl of gourmet nuts:
There was no way we were going to pull this off.
"All right, everyone," I said, "I have absolute confidence we will pull this off."